My dearest Fawkes,

My bestest girl, my Fawkes

I know you hated me crying. You always brought me toys and licked my face when I cried. There's no one to do that now. I'm holding your leash, listening for your feet in the hall, listening for your happy barks, your joyous Roo when Daddy and I laughed hard at something. I keep waiting for you to jump up on the bed at night. You, my little demon dog, who would take on the whole world to keep me safe.

You were the best worst dog ever. You were my little beastie, my monster. You were my rock and my safety. You gave me freedom and life. You kept me safe from myself. You were my ever-present shadow, the wet nose to my calf, the stealthy lick to my knee that was always right where I was trying to be; my little visa. Coming home to the silence hurts so much more than I ever would have thought. Silence is no longer suspicious; silence is the sound of my soul breaking.

I know you would have kept fighting to stay, but I could see how bad it was. I could see how you were fighting your body to stay with me, and I had to let you go. I'm so sorry I couldn't fight off your cancer and make you better. I was selfish. I was scared. I didn't want to help you go because I couldn't bear the weight of the decision, but you wouldn't go. You wanted to protect me even when your little body couldn't. I know, with absolute certainty, that it was what you needed- so you could stop fighting yourself, fighting the pain. I don't regret the decision for you, never think that. I regret it because I feel like I gave up. I feel like I failed.

I would give anything to kiss your forehead, your nose, one more time. I don't have words to describe how my world shattered with your loss, but everything else has kept moving. Daddy has picked up your toys- He's still tripping over them in the dark. I have no doubt that there are still more to be found. He is trying his hardest to do your job, keeping me safe, watching for all the signs you taught him were important. You trained him very well, even with his clear limitations of being human instead of a mighty Corgums.

I meant everything I said the night before I held you on the grass in that little garden. I will love you forever. You will always be my darling girl. You will always be my heart.

Love always,

Mommy