I cannot write your name without crying. You have only been gone a few weeks, and I am no closer to "finding peace". I miss you. You are completely irreplaceable. I wake up in the morning, and by the time I've started the coffee , I remember what happened...I feel this sharp pain in my stomach and my blood turns to ice...how could it have happened? I miss you so, so much. I wish more than anything I could turn the clock back and have had the insight to get you screened for heart disease, which is surely what took you, stole you from me like a thief in the night. But in over a half century of having cats in my life, I have never seen this. I could never have predicted it. I am just sick in my heart without you. I thought we had so much time ahead.
Everywhere I go I see your absence, when I open the back door to let dogs in, and remember your funny little habit of peering over the top of the window, just the wee ears and huge owl-eyes.."there's your troll" Alex would say. The spot on the stairs where you'd sit and watch stoicly over the goings-on below, but completely flip out with happiness if I came over and played with you....And the space beside me in the office...so empty. My heart just breaks without you.
I hope I was a good enough Mom, I loved you so much. It's still unreal that you are gone.And now I am sat here trying to write, I recall that we communicated in such a unique way - songs, noises, touch..it's awkward to convey what I feel in ordinary words. Maybe I can just say this.
Of all the animals I have had, do have and will have, of all that I love and will love, you will always remain unique in my memory and in my heart. I will never stop loving you.Your death leaves me in pieces, but it will have a legacy...I am already making changes in my life I have needed to for a long time, to honour not only you, but the person I see when I reflect on this grief. The one who cherishes cats. Whose work needs to be so much bigger than it has been this past while..in rescue, inadvocacy, and in other species (aside from the dogs!) There will be a big part of you in all I do in future, and I will never forget you.
Thank you, Dolly lama, for all you were, in your feral magic and hilarious ways and unforgettable presence. Thank you for your devotion to me, and for keeping me laughing in hard times and grateful when I wasn't inclined to be. Whatever strange dimension you came from, I can only say this: there is no one like you, and there never will be. I was blessed to have been your person for a whole 9 years - not long enough, but so so precious.
Please come back when you can.Until then, my sweetheart, my faerie - - Slán abhaile a stór mo chroi.